Before You Go Home This Year, Read This
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Reader, You know what happens when we go home for the holidays? We walk through that door and suddenly we’re twelve again. Our voice gets smaller. Our body tightens. The old role walks in before we do. And if we’re not careful, we bring our partner and our kids right into a dynamic that has nothing to do with the life we’ve actually built. Here’s the question: What if this year, you chose how you show up? You Get to Establish How You Show UpNot how they want you to show up. Not the way you used to show up. But how you choose to show up now as the adult you’ve become. And that might mean setting boundaries for how you’re spoken to, how others speak to your partner, or how they speak around your children. Maybe your dad wants to give your daughter a cookie after you’ve already said no. Or your child doesn’t want to give Grandma a hug… and everyone goes quiet because politeness is supposed to matter more than consent. But here’s the truth: When we override our boundaries or our kids’ boundaries to keep the peace, we teach ourselves and them that other people’s comfort matters more than our own integrity. You get to model something different. Hey Dad, we already said no to more sweets tonight. I know you’d love a hug, Grandma. She’s not feeling it right now. High five instead? It might feel awkward. But you’re teaching your kids that their no matters. And that boundaries aren’t rude… they’re healthy. When You Stop Playing the RoleHere’s, unfortunately, what you also need to hear: When you stop playing the role they’re used to, the system will push back. Wow, you’ve changed. Don’t be so sensitive. Your growth is destabilizing to the old dynamic. Not because you’re doing anything wrong… but because when you show up differently, others have to see themselves differently too. And for many of us who grew up believing we must honor our parents no matter what, this can feel like betrayal. But listen: Honoring your parents doesn’t mean disappearing. You can love them deeply… and still protect your peace. Most parents aren’t trying to harm us. They’re responding from their own old patterns. Your boundary is not against them. It’s for you. The Boundary Reset: A 3-Step PracticeHere is a simple practice that keeps you in presence rather than reaction: 1. Notice the signal in your body Tight chest? Pit in your stomach? Jaw clenched? Your body will tell you the truth before your brain does. 2. Name it clearly, to yourself first I don’t want my kids to hear that. I won’t let someone dismiss my partner in front of me. I am not here to manage this dynamic. 3. State it with love and clarity No anger. No apology. Just truth. Hey… I love you, and I need us to speak differently around the kids. I’m not going to keep having this conversation. We’re going to take a walk. We’ll be back in a bit. The boundary isn’t about controlling them. It’s about protecting your peace and staying present with the people you came with. Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re invitations to meet differently. To build something more honest, more real. So before you walk through that door this year, ask yourself: What ground am I standing on? Not the ground of your twelve-year-old self. Your ground. You don’t need to perform. You don’t need to manage everyone’s emotions. You don’t need to shrink. You get to choose presence over perfection. Take a breath. Feel your feet. Lead from the ground you stand on now. Go DeeperThis newsletter is a companion to my new YouTube video, Going Home for the Holidays: How to Set Boundaries with Family (Without Being Mean). If you want the full teaching—including more examples and what to do when families refuse to meet you—watch it here:
If this spoke to you, feel free to forward it to a friend or partner who might need it this holiday season. Sometimes the most supportive thing we can offer someone is a new way of seeing themselves. Real love can handle your truth. I get you. I’ve got you. Let’s go deeper. Blessings to you, Ted New Offerings:True North: A Men's Workshop // New Year, New You For men ready to stop performing and start living in truth. Join me and my good friend and acclaimed yoga teacher Danni Pomplun for True North, a live men’s workshop in San Francisco on Saturday, December 7. You'll walk away with: Pay what you can. Show up real. Click on the image for more information. The Wisdom Circle (Cohort 7) You've built the life. You've become the good guy. But if you're sensing there's something more... more depth, more purpose, more aliveness in your relationships... this Circle is for you. Over six months, you'll join a confidential brotherhood of men for bi-monthly gatherings (in-person in Redwood City and online). We'll train your nervous system to stay grounded under pressure, practice breathwork to regulate your emotions, and engage in the kind of deep conversations that most men never have. This isn't about fixing what's broken. It's about stepping into the fullness of who you're becoming. Applications are open now. Reply "Wisdom Circle" to learn more. The Sacred Journey Into Intimacy: Most couples long for deeper connection, fuller expression, and a relationship that feels truly alive. But longing alone does not create change. Intimacy that lasts asks for structure, support, practice, and intention. The Sacred Journey Into Intimacy is for couples who want to grow with purpose… who want a relationship that is not only loving, but transformative. If you're interested in learning more, respond: "Sacred" In January, I’ll have space for two individuals or couples ready to step into a deeper engagement with me. This is 6-9 months of private coaching for those who know the old ways aren’t working… and who are ready to experiment with new ways of being, relating, and showing up. If you’re done performing and ready to rebuild trust, speak your truth, and create the intimacy you’ve been longing for, click on the photo to schedule a time to speak. |