Hi Reader,

I’ve been having this conversation on repeat lately, so maybe it’s something that will resonate with you too.

Couples, in seemingly loving relationships...
Couples, who profess their love and care for each other...
Couples, who are looking for answers...
are being mean to each other.

That’s certainly not their intention.
When one is upset, she wants to “speak her truth.”
He wants to “be seen.”
But the way they’re doing it...
​ the words they’re invoking...
are abusive.

Now that’s not their intention at all.
On the surface, they don’t want to hurt each other.

But... and I’m telling you this is coming up every day with my clients... deep down they have a desire to win.
To have the other person feel their pain.
To finally make their partner “get it” (because this isn’t the first time this subject has come up).

So they use sharp words. Accusations. Name-calling. Profanity.
And they tell me, “You know, it’s just how people fight.”

No.
No.
No.

It’s how they fight.
It’s how they were taught to fight... by their parents, their past partners, and a culture that confuses dominance with strength.

But it’s not how everyone fights.
And it’s certainly not how healthy people fight.

They learned to fight from chaos.
From homes where power equaled safety.
Where being “right” was the only way to be seen.

So now, as adults, they fight for survival instead of connection.
They weaponize truth instead of revealing it.

And here’s what I keep telling them:
It’s not wrong to be angry.
It’s not wrong to need to be seen.
​ What’s wrong is believing that someone else needs to hurt for you to feel okay.

That’s not self-expression... that’s retribution.
And it kills intimacy faster than anything else.

When you attack the person you love... even subtly, even “just to make your point”... you may win the argument,
but you lose the relationship for a moment.
And if it happens often enough, that moment becomes the pattern.

There’s another way.
You can say, “I’m hurt.”
“I’m angry.”
“I feel unseen.”
You can name what’s happening inside of you without making the other person bleed.

Those questions will show you exactly where your next layer of growth is.
​ Because the first path leads to understanding and repair.
And the second builds walls that love can’t climb.

You get to choose.
And you... you’re here to build bridges, not walls.

I get you. I've got you. Let's go deeper.
​Ted

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Let's Chat

Ready to change your patterns for a healthier relationship? I have space for one individual or one couple in November. Click the photo to set up a time to speak.

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P.S. If the message of Abusive Language resonates for you, watch my new video “Abusive Language — The Hidden Violence in How We Speak.”

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