I hid being a rabbi from my future wife

Reader, I have something to confess.

In 2016, I was on a dating app, and my profile didn’t say I was a rabbi.

Not because it was a secret. Because I didn’t think anyone would want to date a rabbi. Too many preconceptions, too weird, too much.

I figured I’d let someone meet me in person and then offer the big reveal.

Leslie and I met on that app. And, on our first date she found out. She married me anyway, rabbi and all.

I’m telling you this because I spent a long time managing which parts of myself I would let people see, and when. The rabbi. And, separately, the man who teaches embodiment and intimacy, who talks about bodies and desire and being fully alive in a relationship.

Two rooms, rarely opened to the same person at the same time.

A couple months ago, I stopped managing that split in public. The Good Men Project published an essay I wrote about it, “He’s a F*cking Rabbi, for Christ’s Sake.” You can read it here.

Writing it, I noticed the relief wasn’t really about being seen as a rabbi and an embodiment teacher. It was about not managing two versions of myself at all. Just being one whole person, in the room, all the time, the way Leslie’s known me since long before I was ready to admit that’s who I was.

I don’t think I’m unusual in having split myself up like that. Most of us have a version for work, a version for home, a version who shows up for everyone else’s needs, and a version almost no one gets to meet. This season, everything I’m offering is really one invitation, wearing a few different outfits: stop managing the separation. Show up whole, in as many rooms as you’re ready for.

Your Partner Is Not MOOP — August 20, over Zoom

A pre-Burning Man conversation about not disappearing into your own transformation at your partner’s expense. If you’re heading to the playa, or love someone who is, this is for you. [Click on the image to register]

Leslie and I are also teaching this workshop together on the Playa this year!

Ten years after she found out what my dating profile left out, we’re standing in front of a room together, teaching this same thing we’ve had to learn ourselves. If you’re out there, come find us.

The Wisdom Circle Intensive — November 12–15, Santa Cruz Mountains

Four days with men who will actually see you. No experience with men’s work required, no prior connection to The Wisdom Circle needed. [Click the image for more information.]

The Wisdom Circle — Seven months, starting October

The long version of the same work: an ancient lineage, no shortcuts, and a room of men who won’t let you fake it. We meet monthly in Redwood City and monthly online, small groups in between. [Click the image for more information.]

None of these fix anything overnight. But every one of them is a place to practice the same thing: being whole instead of managed, seen instead of hidden, the way I eventually let Leslie see me.

Blessings to you,

Ted

If "stop managing the separation, show up whole" landed for you, I'm co-leading Sacred Journey Into Intimacy with my colleague Leslie Grace on September 19. This is our 4th year of leading these one-day journeys and they're designed for exactly this: bringing your whole self, not the curated version, into the room with your partner. [Click the image to learn more or reply directly to this email that you are interested in stepping in]