"Man to man, how are you today?" (new podcast)

Reader,

For years, I knew how to be just vulnerable enough.

Back when I was leading synagogues, I'd share something personal, and people would tell me how deep and raw it felt. But I knew it was the tip of the iceberg. I was curating my vulnerability… putting it up like a piece in a museum: "Here's me, being vulnerable."

The rest, I hid from them. And in some ways, I hid it from myself.

Sharing more isn't the same as being seen. You can tell the whole story of a hard season: what happened, what you learned, how you've grown… and stay completely protected. The story is already organized. You already know how it ends.

Speaking from what's true right now is different. There's no ending yet.

When I sit with a couple rebuilding trust, that's where we start. What's true right now? Sometimes it's as small as "I'm thirsty." Sometimes it's "I'm scared. I'm scared you're going to betray me again."

And then they stop there. No "so you need to promise me." No "so you need to fix it." Just: "this is where I am."

Intimacy is showing you that part of myself that sometimes I want to hide.

This doesn't mean saying everything to everyone. I always ask two questions: Is it true? And is it kind? Because how we tell the truth matters too.

If it isn't kind, the other person can't take it in. And sometimes the most honest thing you can say is, "This is still in process. Are you open to hearing where I am?" You don't need it all figured out to let someone see it.

A practice for this week:

The next time someone asks how you are, don't answer right away. Feel for it first. One of my early men's coaches consistently gave me five options: mad, sad, glad, shame, or fear. Find the one that's true, even if it's small. Say the feeling before you explain it.

I got to practice this myself recently with Patrick Gaudet, when he opened our conversation on the Got It Podcast with a question men rarely ask each other: "Man to man, how are you today?" I paused, and what came out was, "I'm full." And under that, some excitement. Some joy.

I didn't have that answer prepared. I had to find it.

From there we talked about hiding, about why so many men learn to perform instead of connect, and about what it takes to rebuild trust once it's broken.

You can watch or listen through one of these links: "The Rabbi Who Became and Intimacy Coach"

Blessings to you,

Ted