Father's Day: A story about silence, longing, and healing.

Dear Reader,

For most of my life, I didn’t think I had a “father wound.”

My father didn’t abandon me. He didn’t yell. He didn’t hit.

But that’s not the whole story.

My father is, by all accounts, a social guy.

Me as a father and with my father; July 2024

People love talking to him. He lights up about topics that fascinate him.
But with me… it’s always felt one-sided.

He talks.
He doesn’t ask.
He shares, but doesn’t listen.
He offers advice, but not reflection.

And for most of my life, I went along with it.
His interests became our shared activities.
His excitement led the conversation.
And what I wanted, most especially, emotionally, stayed quietly unspoken.

What I’ve always wanted was simple… and profound:

To know he’s proud of me.
To hear the words “I love you”.
To talk about things that matter to me, like truth, regret, desire, and healing.
To feel him listen… without interrupting, disagreeing, or fixing.
To receive a fully embodied embrace.

But for decades, that wasn’t available.
And I didn’t know how to ask for it.

The Question That Changed Everything

Then last summer, after a practical talk about wills and end-of-life wishes,

I turned to him and asked:
“What kind of relationship would you like with me before you die?”

He fumbled for an answer.

For a few minutes it was awkward

He defended his absence of direct communication (my mother always filled us in on what the other was doing).

And then he softened.

Just like that, we began exchanging emails.
Not long, not always deep… but real.
Present. Honest. Ours.

It’s far from perfect.
But for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m in a relationship with my father.

Healing Isn’t About Blame

Here’s the truth I wish more people heard:

A father wound isn’t just created by what was done to you…
It’s created by what was missing.

Love not spoken.
Pride not named.
Presence not felt.

Healing doesn’t require blaming.
But it does require truth-telling.
Grieving.
Reclaiming what was never given… by learning to give it to yourself.

A Practice for You

If any of this resonates, I invite you into this simple reflection:

Sit quietly.
Imagine yourself as a young child — 5, 10, 15 years old.
Ask that younger version of you:
“What did you need from Dad that you never got?”
Don’t judge the answer.
Then place a hand on your heart, breathe, and whisper:
“I see you. I’ll give you what he couldn’t.”

This is how the lineage begins to shift.
This is how we become the parents…to ourselves, our children, and each other…that we never had.

This Father’s Day, wherever you are on your journey…
I honor the person you’ve become.
The child you once were.
And the healing that’s still possible.

With blessings to you, always,
Ted

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