The patterns we can’t see from inside them
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Hi Reader, Something happened over the past few weeks. In fact, I had three seemingly distinct yet interrelated experiences:
Each one a container, each one asking the same question in a different language: What are you carrying that was never yours to carry? And what would it take to put it down? In one way or another, I’ve done this work for thirty years. I know the map. I’ve helped hundreds of people walk it. And still. When I came home, I saw something I hadn’t been able to see before. Not new. But undeniable. I had things in my home from my first marriage. A piece of art on our bedroom wall. A tuxedo in the closet. Flatware in the kitchen drawer. None of it felt like a "problem" to me. Everything seemed fine. But when I finally removed them… something lifted in my relationship with Leslie that neither of us had yet been able to name. That’s the thing about the patterns we carry from the past. They don’t always announce themselves in big bold ways. They live in the drawer. They hang on the wall. They show up as an unidentifiable discomfort in the body… a low hum you’ve learned not to hear. One of the things I have always loved about the Passover Seder (the ritual meal on the first night) is that it serves as a wakeup call to some of those patterns: Remembering our own bondage. Remembering what it took to leave behind old ways and start the journey into the unknown with only a promise. The ancient sages understood that liberation isn’t an event. It’s a practice. You don’t leave "Egypt" once. You leave it in layers. And so, they created a practice of Counting the Omer for 49 days after that first Seder. The Patterns That Live in the BackgroundEvery one of us carries patterns from childhood… and beyond that, from our parents and their parents. Ways of moving through the world that were once adaptive, maybe even necessary. And that are now costing us something we can’t quite name. The work is developing the capacity to see it. To feel the hum before it becomes a rupture. To notice the flatware in the drawer. And then, once you see it: to choose. What I Know About This From the InsideMy patterns have impacted people I love. Not from cruelty. Not from neglect. From the invisible operating system running in the background while I went about being a good man, a present husband, a committed teacher. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Until I did. Seeing your pattern isn’t a failure. It’s an arrival. The shame wants to tell you that you should have seen it sooner. That a person who does this work should be further along. That noticing now means you were careless then. That’s not what I believe. Not for myself, and not for you. I believe the moment of recognition is sacred. And I believe that the people around you… the ones who love you and have been quietly carrying what you couldn’t yet see… they feel it when you change. Even before you tell them. Even before the words come. Leslie felt it. The room shifted. Not because I gave a speech. Because I took the flatware out of the drawer. An InvitationFor now, two questions to sit with:
You don’t have to answer today. Just look. I get you. I’ve got you. Let’s go deeper together. With love for you wherever you are on your journey, P.S. The mankeeping piece I’ve been developing is coming. It’s part of this same conversation… about the work no one taught us, and the cost of not doing it. More on that next month. 1:1 and Couples Coaching You can see the pattern now. The next step is changing it. Private mentorship with Ted for individuals and couples. For when you are ready to stop carrying what was never yours. Reclaim: A Men's Retreat with Ted Riter and Danni Pomplun May 28–31 | San Luis Obispo, CA You've been carrying something for a long time. Four days to set it down. Morning yoga. Brotherhood circles. Real rest. No performance required. |