When Shame Looks Like Justice

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Dear Reader,

We live in a world obsessed with exposure. We call it truth-telling. We call it accountability. But far too often, it’s just shame dressed up as justice.

We feel powerful when we spot someone else’s flaws. We feel righteous when we share a meme about another person’s failure. We feel united when we laugh with the crowd.

But we rarely pause to ask…

What is the impact of our gaze? And what does it cost us...and them?

The Talmud doesn’t mince words:

The rabbis noticed how the blood drains from the face when someone is shamed. The body recoils. The soul contracts. It’s not poetic, it’s biological. It’s a kind of death.

And today, in a culture of virality, memes, and public takedowns, that kind of death happens all the time.

We don’t even flinch anymore.

But shame has never been the path to healing.
Not in relationships. Not in leadership. Not in life.

Over the past decade, I’ve worked with individuals and couples navigating some of the most painful ruptures: infidelity, betrayal, ethical failure.
And I can say this with confidence:

Not a free pass.
Not an excuse.
But a softening — the kind that makes true repair possible.

Compassion doesn’t mean we look away from harm.​
It means we look deeper; past the behavior, into the heart of the one who’s lost their way.

It’s a hand on the shoulder instead of a finger pointed in blame.

It’s the whisper that says:
​“You are still human. And I won’t turn away from you.”

A Quick Pause Here:

Have you ever been on the receiving end of public shame?
Even in a small way?

Maybe you froze. Maybe you wanted to disappear.
Maybe a part of you did disappear (the part that trusted you could be loved in your brokenness).

If that’s true for you…
Can you imagine what it would have felt like to be met with compassion instead?

A Practice for You:

Try this gentle reflection sometime this week:

1. Think of someone whose actions triggered judgment in you.
   • Public or personal.
   • Big mistake or small misstep.
2. Now, imagine sitting with them, not to correct them, but simply to be present.
   • What would compassion sound like?
   • What might it feel like in your body?
3. Then turn the same compassion inward.
   • What part of you is still holding shame or regret?
   • Can you offer a breath… a hand… a quiet “I see you” to that part?

You don’t have to justify anything.
Just witness.
That’s where healing begins.

We are not healed by humiliation.
We are not transformed by ridicule.
We are not redeemed through shame.

We are healed when someone sees the truth of who we are… and stays.

Let’s be the ones who stay.

With compassion and blessings,

Ted

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Along the same theme, see the video below.

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I was recently a guest on Evolutionary Men with Jason Lange. Check it out below.

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